BIG, bushy career-related announcement
Pay no attention to today's date tho...
Usually, on the first day of the month, I’d be releasing my regular newsletter about what I read last month and some reviews and stuff like that. Unfortunately, I have had to put the quotidian work-a-day operations of StoneWright Reads on hold for the time being, because of some HUGE professional news.
Earlier this month, as I was stroking my beard contemplatively, I thought, “Hey, you know what could be cool? Taking better care of my beard.” From tiny acorns grow the strongest of oaks, lemme tell you.
This was but the start of an invigorating journey through products, reviews, and beard-care ideologies that led me inevitably into a realm of honor, family, and beard balm that is the Vancouver, BC-and-London, U.K.-headquartered company: The Beard Struggle. I quickly purchased a starter kit and waited anxiously for the better part of half a week until, finally, my new products arrived in an unassuming carboard box. However, humble exteriors often mask the most opulent of interiors.
Upon opening the box, I was greeted with stunning golden Viking iconography and a hearty “Skaal, brother” in white lettering on a strikingly deep and affecting black background. This was followed by a “Welcome to the family” that sent shivers up my spine. Already, I could feel the warm embrace of belonging that books simply had not been able to give me.
Under the beard wash, conditioner, beard balm, and bear oil, I found another message shining up at me from the box’s black floor:
“One’s back is vulnerable, unless one has a brother” - Grettir’s Saga
UNITY IS STRENGTH.
To put it simply, I was overwhelmed with the affection these thus-far nameless and faceless heroes had poured into their products and, thence, into me. Never before had I thought to apply the words “sexy bearded hunk of man meat” to myself. The self-esteem boost felt like a defibrillator paddle’s jolt.
I JOINED A CULT, Y’ALL!
From there, it was a short hop over to The Beard Struggle’s website to find out more about this family I was stepping into. In the About Us section, I found a mission that completely aligned with my goals in life.
We’re all about building a community of beardsmen. It’s a goal we hope to achieve with the help of The Midgard Vikings — a Brotherhood made up of bearded brothers who want to become the best versions of ourselves and make a global impact through charitable acts.
Further down, I found a detailed explanation of the Viking Code of Honor: Determination, Courage, and Honour.
Not only was I getting great, strongly scented products, I was an integral part of making the world a better place (and no animal testing!).
It was not long until I had been completely beard-pilled, and I began selling most of my possessions, including my half of the StoneWright library, in order to fund my brothers in beard and their noble mission. I handed in my resignation, vowing to live as Vikings do, sizing up the tree in the backyard for longship planks. Do not be surprised if a future announcement has me packing my bags to hit the compound in British Columbia. Do you think a longship can be lashed to the roof of a Ford Focus wagon safely? Open to suggestions.
While Ally is still adjusting to the transition, particularly the loss of a large portion of the carefully cultivated collection of books we have been building over our years together, I am confident she, too, beardless though she may be, will see the merits of what my beardsmen and I are doing. It is only a matter of time. She even received an email out of the blue from my new brethren! I didn’t even share her address; they just care that much.
So with that, I must apologize for not putting out a new newsletter today. I think you’ll agree that this is much richer fodder. Stay tuned for more about how you, too, can join the cause!
Skaal, bothers/sisters/nonbinary siblings!
Anywho, April Fools!
(I.e. I’m tired and haven’t finished the newsletter yet, but I should have it out tomorrow.)
Obviously I’d never get rid of our books. We had a hard enough time getting rid of duplicates when we merged libraries (sometimes keeping both because we were equally attached to our particular copies). It’s even tough to get rid of books I don’t particularly like. (We… may have a problem, but it’s not beard related). So, I guess if I ever DO start getting rid of books, chances are good I’ve fallen prey to a cult.
Would my time have been better spent working on the real newsletter rather than concocting this foolishness? I’ll let you be the judge. In any case, hope your April Fools has been full of harmless amusement!
P.S. Yes, I did buy these products, and, yes, I did basically immediately tell Ally, “Uh oh, I may have just joined a cult,” and every description of the website, along with the quotes, is accurate, and Ally did actually receive an unsolicited email from them (which honestly is unsurprising and spooky all at once; our data is out there, y’all).
However, I do not actually think it’s a cult (as far as I can tell), and I am enjoying the products, though the scent is rather, erm, bracing, at first, especially in a mask. My beard does sparkle in sunlight now though. Can’t put a price on that.
P.P.S. This is not a commercial, either, I’ve just been having some fun, but now I worry that the above is just a bunch of product integration, and you’ll all think I’ve been bought by Big Beard Oil, which was not the intent, oh geez, I just don’t want to get sued by The Beard Struggle is all, nor do I want to evade the truth that I am currently using the products, how do I get out of this, am I trapped in the mind-prison of the fake cult I created???? send help.
Stay tuned tomorrow for the real newsletter!